Slowing down...........................

Have you ever been involved in a project that simply consumed every minute of the day and every fiber of your being? Other than labor and my family life, which is just how one simply lives, I never have. Until last fall. Maybe I'm ready to talk about what all I've been through. Maybe it's finally coming out of me like a slowly errupting volcano. I'm not really sure but I do know I've spent an entire day reflecting....... and that is good. One needs to do that every now and then.

The days of working 18 hours, driving two hours, rushing through a salad for lunch and skipping my other meals, and then achingly wishing there were actually more hours in the day to get more accomplished are over. I will never give that up to someone, or something, else. When you believe you're doing the right thing and doing a good thing for your family you can push your body to it's absolute limit and manage to get amazing amounts of tasks completed. When you realize that a year has passed and you wake up from a nightmare, you spend several weeks decompressing. I really thought I was ok. I was handling it fine. I had a week of vacation and worked like I was used to working, never sitting down for nearly 12 hours each day. But that was farm work, good work. I told myself it felt good and was right. Today though, I broke down.

I was outside and the feelings came on so strong I thought I was going to have a panic attack right there next to the chicken coop. My breathing went crazy, I was dizzy, and the overwelming guilt! I realized I hadn't done anything today. No, I mean I really hadn't done anything. It was nearly 6:00pm and I was still in my nightgown for pity's sake! I started shaking and literally began compiling mental lists of things I could get done before midnight tonight in order to not waste this beautiful day. And then it hit me. I took in a deep breath and hollered out. OK, that really freaked the goats out and even the dog took off. But I just let it all come out and released the guilt, anger, frustration, stress, and all the other emotions. And I let them go. I calmed my breathing down and I began going over my day. You know what? I made more money today in less time than I do in five at Wal-Mart. I made a huge batch of pancakes for the kids, made the roast for tomorrow, made lunch and dinner for my family, cleaned the kitchen twice, answered emails from several friends, figured the checkbook, bathed filthy children, and did laundry. I also napped. Most importantly, I taught Vincent where a weed grows that the goats love and will be his best friend if he brings it to them. I held each one of the new chicks and looked them over, letting them peck at my palm. I watched the cow have an argument with the rooster over her watering tank (Moo won, although the rooster maintained his dignity by crowing repeatedly as he slowly walked away). I listened to the boys squeal when they discovered hidden chocolate chips in their pancakes. And I was home.